Jokes

You can discuss some non-genetic or non-genealogical things here. Pull up a chair and have a beer! But if you bring up politics or religion, the barman will cut you off. The forum rules do apply here especially regarding civility.

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Joined: Thu Mar 15, 2012 1:14 am

YDNA:
R1b-Z12*
MtDNA:
I3b (FMS)
PostPosted: Thu May 31, 2012 12:24 am
^ LOL!

A tough looking group of bikers were out riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stop.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, “What are you doing?”

“I’m going to commit suicide,” she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asked, “Well, before you jump, why don’t you give me a kiss?”

So she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.

After she’s finished, the biker says, “Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That’s a real talent you are wasting, why are you committing suicide?”

“My parents don’t like me dressing like a girl...”
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 01, 2012 12:26 am
They must believe that for now . . . they must think it was humorous.
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Location: Sault Ste Marie, Northern Ontario, Canada
YDNA:
L21-L513*
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H1
PostPosted: Fri Jun 01, 2012 1:27 pm
I'd Do Anything
A student comes to a young professor's office. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly.

"I would do anything to pass this exam."

She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes.

"I mean.." she whispers, "..I would do ANYTHING!!"

He returns her gaze. "Anything??"

"Yes,.. Anything!" She says.

His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you.. study??"
Furthest Y line=Patrick Whealen 1816-1874, Tipperary Co. Ire. to Kincardine On

Y-DNA-RL21, R-513* (still looking for the 'lost Irish 'C' boys')

FTDNA=P312+ P25+ M343+ M269+ M207+ M173+ L513+ U198- U152- U106- SRY2627- P66- P107- M73- M65- M37- M222- M18- M160- M153- M126- L705- L577- L193- L159.2- L1333-
23&me=L21+
E.A.= S21-, S26-, S28-, S29-, S68-

Co Administrator of the Whalen/Phelan DNA Surname Project
http://www.worldfamilies.net/surnames/whalen
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Posts: 163
Joined: Wed Mar 14, 2012 6:14 pm
Location: Sault Ste Marie, Northern Ontario, Canada
YDNA:
L21-L513*
MtDNA:
H1
PostPosted: Fri Jun 01, 2012 1:30 pm
Redneck Logic
Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.

The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic.

"What's logic?" the first redneck asked.

The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"

"I sure do."

"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.

"That's real good!" said the redneck.

The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."

Impressed, the redneck said, "Amazing!"

"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."

"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!"

The redneck was catching on.

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.

"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!"

The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting.

"So what classes are ya takin'?" asked the friend.

"Math, history, and logic!" replied the first redneck.

"What in tarnation is logic?" asked his friend.

"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?" asked the first redneck.

"No," his friend replied.

"You're queer, ain't ya?"
Furthest Y line=Patrick Whealen 1816-1874, Tipperary Co. Ire. to Kincardine On

Y-DNA-RL21, R-513* (still looking for the 'lost Irish 'C' boys')

FTDNA=P312+ P25+ M343+ M269+ M207+ M173+ L513+ U198- U152- U106- SRY2627- P66- P107- M73- M65- M37- M222- M18- M160- M153- M126- L705- L577- L193- L159.2- L1333-
23&me=L21+
E.A.= S21-, S26-, S28-, S29-, S68-

Co Administrator of the Whalen/Phelan DNA Surname Project
http://www.worldfamilies.net/surnames/whalen

Posts: 326
Joined: Thu Mar 15, 2012 1:14 am

YDNA:
R1b-Z12*
MtDNA:
I3b (FMS)
PostPosted: Fri Jun 01, 2012 1:43 pm
^ LOL!!

Irishman Mike Murphy and his pregnant wife live on a farm in the distant rural regions. No running water, no electricity, etc.

One night, Mikes' wife is begins to deliver the baby. The local doctor is there in attendance.

"What d'ya want me to do, Doctor?"

"Hold the lantern, Mikey. Here it comes!"

The doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see.

"Mike, you're the proud father of a fine strapping boy." "Saints be praised, I..."

Before Mike can finish the Doctor interrupts, "Wait a minute. Hold the lantern, Mikey."

Soon the doctor delivers the next child. "You've a full set now, Mikey. A beautiful baby daughter."

"Thanks be to..."

Again the Doctor cuts in, "Hold the lantern, Mikey, hold the lantern!"

Soon the Doctor delivers a third child. The doctor holds up the baby for Mike's inspection.

"Doctor," asks Mike, "Do you think it's the light that's attracting them?"
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Joined: Fri Mar 23, 2012 3:54 pm

YDNA:
I-L126
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H3
PostPosted: Fri Jun 01, 2012 3:38 pm
I can't remember it exactly as I heard it but here goes

A pregnant woman got into a car crash where she ended up unconcious and was rushed to the hospital. When she came through the doctor told her that she had been out cold for the last three days and they had to induce her birth, where she gave birth to healthy twins (a boy and a girl). The doctor then said that while she was unconcious her brother in law visited and named the babys. The woman was horrified as the brother in law was a bit of a nut job.
"Oh no" she said, "what did he call them?"
The doctor said "he named the girl Denise"
The woman was visibly relieved and then asked what he named the boy

The doctor said "d'nephew"
Come away, O human child!
To the waters and the wild
With a faery, hand in hand,
For the world's more full of weeping than you can understand.

Posts: 326
Joined: Thu Mar 15, 2012 1:14 am

YDNA:
R1b-Z12*
MtDNA:
I3b (FMS)
PostPosted: Fri Jun 01, 2012 9:10 pm
A woman calls the vet at his home on a Saturday night and says, “There are two stray dogs having sex on my front lawn. How can I stop them?”

The vet says, “Bang two steel pans together, that ought to take care of it.”

Two minutes later the woman is back on the phone to the vet, “I tried that but they are still at it. What can I do?”

“Turn the garden hose on them.”

Two minutes later she calls the vet again and says, “The hose didn’t work either. What should I do?”

The vet says, “Well, you could call them every two minutes.”

She says, “Do you think that would stop them having sex?”

“It’s working for me!” replies the vet.
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Posts: 163
Joined: Wed Mar 14, 2012 6:14 pm
Location: Sault Ste Marie, Northern Ontario, Canada
YDNA:
L21-L513*
MtDNA:
H1
PostPosted: Sat Jun 02, 2012 12:15 am
cute!



GTC wrote:^ LOL!!

Irishman Mike Murphy and his pregnant wife live on a farm in the distant rural regions. No running water, no electricity, etc.

One night, Mikes' wife is begins to deliver the baby. The local doctor is there in attendance.

"What d'ya want me to do, Doctor?"

"Hold the lantern, Mikey. Here it comes!"

The doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see.

"Mike, you're the proud father of a fine strapping boy." "Saints be praised, I..."

Before Mike can finish the Doctor interrupts, "Wait a minute. Hold the lantern, Mikey."

Soon the doctor delivers the next child. "You've a full set now, Mikey. A beautiful baby daughter."

"Thanks be to..."

Again the Doctor cuts in, "Hold the lantern, Mikey, hold the lantern!"

Soon the Doctor delivers a third child. The doctor holds up the baby for Mike's inspection.

"Doctor," asks Mike, "Do you think it's the light that's attracting them?"
Furthest Y line=Patrick Whealen 1816-1874, Tipperary Co. Ire. to Kincardine On

Y-DNA-RL21, R-513* (still looking for the 'lost Irish 'C' boys')

FTDNA=P312+ P25+ M343+ M269+ M207+ M173+ L513+ U198- U152- U106- SRY2627- P66- P107- M73- M65- M37- M222- M18- M160- M153- M126- L705- L577- L193- L159.2- L1333-
23&me=L21+
E.A.= S21-, S26-, S28-, S29-, S68-

Co Administrator of the Whalen/Phelan DNA Surname Project
http://www.worldfamilies.net/surnames/whalen

Posts: 326
Joined: Thu Mar 15, 2012 1:14 am

YDNA:
R1b-Z12*
MtDNA:
I3b (FMS)
PostPosted: Sat Jun 02, 2012 5:23 am
This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying "Nerds Not Allowed - Enter At Your Own Risk!". He goes in and sits down.

The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says, "You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?"

The truck driver says, "I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I am hauling."

The bartender says, "Okay, truck drivers are not nerds", and serves him a beer.

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.

The truck driver said, totally shocked, "Why did you do that?"

The bartender said, "Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don't even need a license."

The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.

He can't let them steal his whole load, so, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.

A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."

"Well, sure," said the patrolman, "but you can't bait 'em."
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Posts: 326
Joined: Thu Mar 15, 2012 1:14 am

YDNA:
R1b-Z12*
MtDNA:
I3b (FMS)
PostPosted: Wed Jun 06, 2012 1:20 pm
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing..

He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.

He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears,

'Ribbit, 9 Iron.'

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.

Again, he hears, 'Ribbit, 9 Iron.'

He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.

Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup.

He is shocked.

He says to the frog,

'Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?

The frog replies, 'Ribbit, lucky frog.'

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.

'What do you think frog?', the man asks.

'Ribbit, 3 wood.'

The guy takes out a 3 wood and, boom! Hole in one.

The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.

By the end of the day, the man played the best game of golf in his life and
asks the frog, 'OK where to next?'

The frog replies, 'Ribbit, Las Vegas .

' They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, 'OK frog, now what?'

The frog says, 'Ribbit, Roulette.'

Upon approaching the roulette table the man asks, 'What do you think I should bet?' '

The frog replies, 'Ribbit, $3000, black 6.'

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.

Boom!

Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.

He sits the frog down and says, 'Frog, I don't know how to repay you.
You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful.'

The frog replies, 'Ribbit, kiss me.'

He figures why not After all the frog did for him, he deserves it.

With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.

'And that, Your Honor, is how the girl ended up in my room.'
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